How “Doctor Who” Helped Me Deal With Life Changes

I’m not even quite sure where to start. It’s been a time. It’s also been a week since I moved from my beloved little garret, and we are…settling in. Kind of. Change is hard, change to my home environment harder still. I do not do well when I’m uprooted.

(Sidebar: which is why I’m amazed that people can routinely move between cities, provinces, and countries. It’s like…how? How do you transplant yourself somewhere completely new, where there is nothing familiar? I’ve only done it temporarily, and I am not keen to try it again anytime soon.)

But we are getting there. Guinness has become braver in his explorations. I vacillate between “ahhhhhhhhhhhh” and “wait this isn’t so bad and I specifically chose this neighbourhood because it contains ravines and many of my friends.” For now, I hold out hope for an eventual triumphant return to Little Italy, because…well, I can’t really do anything else.

And the office set-up is really quite cute. That’s my stable point, too. As long as I have a solid place to do my work, I can handle quite a lot else.

With all this change, though, something has helped immensely. Apologies, as this was cross-posted to Twitter, but I think it’s worth repeating here.

I’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who regenerations. Not full episodes, mind you. Just the regenerations. In doing so, I’ve noticed a rather helpful pattern.

It happens after something big

The Doctor doesn’t just regenerate willy-nilly. S/he regenerates after some big adventure, some massive outpouring of effort that would usually result in death.

I mean, in a mythic sense, the Doctor does die. The Doctor constantly dies. And the Doctor is constantly reborn.

The lead-up hurts

But anyway, regeneration happens after something monumental. The Doctor is almost always wounded. S/he is almost always in pain. Sometimes, s/he is alone.  And so we usually see the Doctor stumbling around the TARDIS, knowing that regeneration is inevitable but still attempting to fight it off, just for those last few moments.

This is the hard part: the letting go of the old self.

They can always see it coming…

The Doctor sets his/her house in order

Sometimes the Doctor makes a speech for his/her successor. This is where everyone cries. This is where we find out what’s been really important to this iteration.

This is when s/he puts his/her old self to rest. The chapter closes.

REGENERATION BOOM

When it finally happens, after all the lead-up, all the inexorable steps, regeneration is violent. There’s fire. Explosions. The TARDIS gets damaged. It is not a pretty, gentle transition. It’s like the phoenix conflagrating.

It’s that thing where a lot of small changes build up until there’s a MASSIVE change.

A new adventure starts right away

But then the music changes. Humour ensues. There’s very little time spent mourning the old Doctor—we hit the ground running right away with the new.

We’re onto the adventures only the new Doctor could have. And the Doctor always wears a specific face for a reason; it underscores his/her personal arc. The universe needed the War Doctor at a very specific time; it needed Smith’s off-kilter gregariousness just as much.

So…

It’s okay to be in pain. It’s okay to be wracked with upheaval. This is the stumbling-around-the-TARDIS phase. There may be a big explosion of light and sparks soon.

But that’s okay.

That’s when the adventures really begin.

We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.

– Eleventh Doctor

For obvious reasons, I’ve been thinking about cycles a lot. The dance of creation-stability-destruction, the phoenix and its ashes, the Doctor…

2018 has been a rather more tumultuous year than expected. But I’m excited to see what subsequent chapters bring.

After all…

This song is ending, but the story never ends.

-KT

What I’m Listening to this Week

I’ve used the composer Brunuhville for writing playlists before. It’s all very epic-cinematic-fantasy music. To the surprise of no one, this one also touches on the idea of cycles, of falling darkness leading to dreams…

Pace Yourself! Hack Yourself!

I think calmer seas might be on the horizon?

First things first: I sold a story! “The Song of the Oliphant” will appear in Lackington’s “Magics” issue later this autumn. This was one of this year’s retreat pieces, thus continuing the trend of selling at least one story from every retreat. And I’m glad. It’s a bizarre near-future fantasy piece with a narrator I love and an aching quality I’m pleased with.

In other news, this post is late because…I hit my deadline for Choice of Games! The game is pretty well done, pending copyedits and a few more nips and tucks. But the bulk of the work is off my plate—and I’m exhausted.

“Sleep,” William Powell Frith (1872).

You see, for various reasons, I landed myself in the position of needing to write 35,000-40,000 words in under two weeks. Whilst doing my dayjob and preparing for the move, and everything else. I’ll admit that when I first heard the number, I wanted to burst into tears.

We just finished Fringe…

I thought I was done…

I’m so tired…

But then I actually did the math. And talked to my editor, who brilliantly broke down a daunting task into totally manageable steps.

37,000 words in just under two weeks is about 2800 words/day. On realizing that, I calmed down. You see, I know my limits when writing. It’s taken a LOT of trial and error over the years, but I’ve built up a pretty good self-knowledge of what I can reasonably accomplish in a given time frame.

When I’m writing novels, 2000 words/day is a comfortable pace. Enough to get into the flow, but also easy to fit around other projects.

3000 words/day kicks it up a notch. Think of it like a brisk trot. Still doable, just a bit more effort.

4000-5000 words/day is my pounding pace. This is the most I can reasonably expect to write without risking burnout. And even then, I can’t do it for long—three or four weeks, tops.

Interestingly, at my annual retreat I usually write a story/day, which can be anywhere from 3000-6000 words. And while I’m tired on leaving the retreat, I’m not exhausted. I put that down to the intense creative atmosphere, but that’s another post.

And that’s a lot of numbers I just put down. So what?

So it’s like I’ve learned to hack myself. Like an athlete who knows how much weight they can safely lift, I’ve fumbled towards an understanding of what I can do. It helps with planning. It helps with scheduling. It helps me maximize the time I have—especially since I know when a pace is not sustainable long term.

But how do you figure it out? Everyone’s pace and process is so different, after all.

Practice, is all I’ve got. Trial and error. Every experience becomes a data point in a set that expands with every project. As with most things, play around enough, and you start figuring things out.

But I’m awfully glad to move past drafting. August is going to be all about editing the Beer Magic novel. I miss my ladies, and I’m excited to get back to them! (Particularly as I’ll be living quite close to the ravines, which play such a big part in the magic…)

-KT

What I’m Listening to this Week

A change of pace indeed…but I fell in love with this song so hard. It makes me ache and it makes me happy all at once. But then, it’s Peter Pan—of course I feel that way.

Frivolous and Practical

It never rains, but it pours! As you may recall from last week, we’d just finished with the Toronto Fringe and Readercon. The last few days have been mostly about recovery, but also plunging headfirst into new projects and deadlines.

We got this.

(We did find out that Six Stories, Told at Night was shortlisted for Best of Fringe. While it would’ve been nice to perform it again in August, the forced break may be a blessing in disguise!)

Also, I’m officially into my last two weeks in the garret before Guinness and I move into our new hobbit-hole.

Amidst all this, I did something pretty frivolous.

While I was out, I saw this amazing houndstooth cardigan. Now, clothing doesn’t usually hold much interest for me. But when I fall for certain pieces, I fall hard. That was the case here: love at first sight.

Beautiful as it was, this cardigan was more than I’d usually spend on a single piece. And I just came back from Readercon. And I spent a lot at the Fringe tent all last week. And I can’t even wear it until fall. And I’m moving to a new apartment.

But it fit so well and it was so me. And I’m trying, you know, to figure out what I actually want, what I actually like—as opposed to what I think I should like. As we’ve been saying for months, this is a transition time, the chaos after a long period of stability.

So you’d better believe I bought that cardigan.

Awkward mirror selfie!

Caveat that I don’t ordinarily condone retail therapy. But also—sometimes, you’ve got to be frivolous. Sometimes you need to embrace the things that are so you, because they don’t always come along very frequently. (Besides, I’m usually pretty responsible with my money.)

In any case, I then did something very practical: something that also felt very me-affirming.

Oddly enough, it also had to do with clothes. I have a pair of boat shoes that I love. But the insoles were badly damaged, and they were covered in dust, and the leather was dry and desperately wanting some polish. So after far too much procrastination, I got new insoles. I cleaned them; I polished them with this special “nourishing” cream.

And they look much better. I feel much better, because I like these shoes, and I prefer when they look good. It’s another case of taking one tiny step in a direction that feels more right.

So there you go: one frivolous thing, one practical thing, both of which brought me joy. Of course, writing this post feels a little frivolous too. Cardigans and shoes—what’s that got to do with anything? With writing, with art?

Because I’m fumbling forward in all parts of my life, and these were two very small, very concrete steps in the right direction. There’s going to be a lot of missteps over the next while. I know that. But these two tiny things? These I got right.

What’s bringing you joy? What steps are you taking towards yourself?

-KT

What I’m Listening To This Week

I saw Wicked with my family this past week, and goodness, that musical has aged unexpectedly well. The political undercurrents have become sharply poignant—and current events are shining light on new subtext. (It’s about silencing certain groups and fake news and construction of false narratives/images, right?)

In any case, “Defying Gravity” always makes me emotional, but it’s punching especially hard right now. No, you’re crying.

Just you and I defying gravity,

With you and I defying gravity,

They’ll never bring us down.

Toronto Fringe and Readercon Roundup!

Yes, this post is late. I got back from Readercon on Saturday night, and proceeded straight from the airport to Postscript, the Toronto Fringe patio/general hangout area. Then we had our final show Sunday afternoon, followed by one last night of Fringing.

Monday was mostly naps and lounging, to be honest.

But here we are! Fringe and Readercon both behind us! It’s an awful lot of emotion for any one blog post, but I do want to say this:

I am so very, very lucky in my friends and communities.

Fringe first: I couldn’t believe the support given to Six Stories, Told at Night. From the GoFundMe to the general logistical assistance, from everyone who came out to see the show (and some of you travelled a long way, I know!) and everyone who held our hands and told us that everything would be Okay—we’ve been overwhelmed with your kindness.

So thank you. Truly, sincerely, deeply—thank you.

And then I went to Readercon, where I caught up with wonderful old friends, met amazing new ones, and plunged headfirst into insightful, well-organized programming. Again, I felt swaddled with kindness and care. The writing and theatre communities share a lot of similarities ; this support is certainly one of them.

You’re all awesome. That’s my point here.

Now, more general updates: there are still some GoFundMe rewards to deliver! Specifically, the Super Secret Magic Seventh Story and Coxwood 2.0. What’s going on there?

The seventh story is mostly figured out (in my head, at least). We have a plan for recording it. I just need to write it. Because my 2018 is ridiculous, I have a major deadline on August 1st. I’m trying to write this story alongside that work, but it may need to wait just a few more weeks. But it is definitely on my radar.

Coxwood 2.0 is also on my radar, never fear! It’s going to be later in the year, though. Once the ridiculousness of summer dies down, I’ll be reaching out to actors and seeing what sort of cast we can put together. A gentle reminder that it won’t be as long as Season One…but I have some ideas percolating. It’s gonna happen. Don’t fret.

That’s it for now, I think. Blythe and I have some loose ends to tie up and some plans to bash out. No rest for the wicked, after all.

But we are really, really happy. That’s my other point. The Toronto Fringe has been the most challenging experience of my creative life—but also the most rewarding. I am so incredibly proud of our scrappy underdog play. The reviews speak for themselves!

Originally a podcast drama, this adaptation makes rollicking, enjoyable show…it’s clear that Bryski is a storyteller to watch. (NOW Magazine, NNNN review)

A love letter to broken hearts and letting go, to ambiguity and formation, this is a rich, complex play that had many an audience member discretely dabbing at tears. (Mooney on Theatre, “Rave Review”)

The folding paths through which the play presents itself are prevented from getting too murky or confusing through the anchor of the intensely realized, warts and all friendship portrayed by the leads, Blythe Haynes and Alexandra Milne. The heart of an almost delicately intricate, multi-narrative sequence remains throughout the emotional ties between two young women… (My Entertainment World)

Of course, none of that would be possible without amazing people. In addition to the love from our community, we are so grateful for the hard work, dedication, and professionalism shown by staff and volunteers at the Toronto Fringe and Theatre Passe Muraille. We literally couldn’t do it without you!

And there’s our creative team: cast, crew, and everyone who helped along the way. You gave your hearts and souls to this story, and we couldn’t be more thankful.

And of course, my creative partner-in-crime, who’s been with Six Stories from the beginning.

In my head, I see Six Stories as a scruffy little waif who runs around punching things. We can’t wait to see where the journey takes us next.

-KT

What I’m Listening To This Week

A little Lord of the Rings music. I’ll be moving to a hobbit hole soon, so it only seems fitting!

ReaderCon Schedule – 2018!

Whooo! Toronto Fringe Festival! We’re well underway with performances of SIX STORIES, TOLD AT NIGHT. Reactions thus far have been great—and it’s such a treat to see these characters and this Otherworld come to life onstage. And of course, there are ~150 shows all across the city to check out. The sheer amount of talent staggers me.

Seriously, there’s a lot of emotion here. We’ll have a good chat when Fringe finishes next week.

For now…

I’m ducking out of Fringe to attend ReaderCon!

I’m so excited; I really wanted to go last year, but scheduling didn’t permit. When I realized that it overlaps with Fringe, I thought, “Well, of course it does.” Then I figured I’d just find a way to make both work. Because why not?

So I’m not staying through the whole convention. The plan is to fly in Thursday, spend all of Friday, and then fly home Saturday evening, in order to close out our last show on Sunday afternoon.

No big deal.

We got this.

And I have my schedule!

#

Friday (12:00 pm)—Consent Culture in Fiction

Me, Teri Clarke, Maria Dahvana Headley, Hillary Monahan, Victoria Sandbrook

Friday (6:00 pm)—Stonecoast MFA Readings

Peter Adrian Behravesh, Me, JR Dawson, Julie C. Day, Emlyn Dornemann, James Patrick Kelly, Erin Roberts

Saturday (2:00 pm)—Alternatives to Romance

Me, Elaine Isaak, Nicole Kornher-Stace, John P. Murphy, Patty Templeton

#

It all sounds very exciting! And it’ll be great to dive back into writers and prose after a week of theatre. If you’re around, do come say hello. Looking forward to this con, shortened though it must be!

KT

What I’m Listening to This Week

First, I absolutely love referring to the day of resurrection as “That Great Getting’-Up Morning.” It’s also got that emotional, rhythmic style spirituals revel in. And I think it might’ve sparked a story idea.

 

 

Six Stories, Opening on Thursday!

SIX STORIES, TOLD AT NIGHT opens this Thursday. That doesn’t seem entirely real.

But the show’s in great shape.  Right now, it sits at a comfortable eight minutes below the time cut-off. The costumes look amazing. The set’s built. We’ve found all the props. We’ve run the sound/lighting cues at Theatre Passe Muraille – and the venue managers have greenlighted all of our fight scenes and intimacy choreography.

The playwright and set, outside Theatre Passe Muraille!

And ohhhhh, my friends. That moment. That moment, when the theatre was still in blackout, and everything was still—that moment when the first notes of the Six Stories theme played over TPM’s sound system—

Isaiah Kolundzic, our Trickster.

It was freaking awesome.

So what I’m saying is, we’re ready. We’re so ready.

Alexandra Milne plays Joëlle.

Why am I nervous?

Because it feels like stepping off a cliff, I guess. It’s here, it’s really happening, people are really coming to see our show. This one story made of many stories that grew from scratches in a notebook to…all of this.

Our trio of actors, left to right: Isaiah Kolundzic, Alexandra Milne, and Blythe Haynes.

But anyway. There’s a podcast coming on Wednesday, so I don’t want to repeat myself too much. For now…

Here’s the link for tickets. And also, our schedule:

Thanks, everyone. Your support means the world to us.

KT

What I’m Listening to this Week

The Ralph Vaughan Williams streak continues, this time with “Five Variants of ‘Dives and Lazarus.’” I love the richly bowing strings, the way it sometimes feels nearly like Elgar…

 

 

Birthday Post: On Transitions

Hey pals! It’s the end of June, and you know what that means!

Obligatory birthday post!

Yes, yes, my birthday isn’t until Thursday (Turning 27! Whoo!). But next Monday brings us awfully close to the Toronto Fringe, so I figured I’d squeeze the birthday philosophizing in today.

So I’m going to be honest. This is a time of intense transition and transformation. Home, work, life -everything has felt the effects. My solid ground has turned to shifting sands, and quite frankly, it’s terrifying.

You see, I’m the kind of person that set down roots. Deep roots, intense roots. I build routines and systems. When those get disrupted – when I’m uprooted, when the patterns change – I feel terribly discombobulated. It’s almost like I use those roots and routines to anchor myself. When too much changes too rapidly, it feels like I’ve been cut loose on endless ocean.

“The Shipwreck,” J.M.W. Turner (1805). Courtesy http://www.tate.org.uk

It feels like drowning.

Perhaps that’s an apt metaphor. Look at the symbolism water carries with it. Water is chaos, the “formless deep.” Water is death.

Water is also a womb, All life springs from the ocean. If we’re going to broaden the metaphor, mythology is filled with a descent to the underworld – or the ocean’s darkest places – followed by death and rebirth. From Inanna to Jonah, for the true self to be born, death must happen first.

As wiser people than me have said, transformation is a kind of death.

So much talk of death for a birthday post! But that’s where stories and mythologies are useful. They give form and the illusion of narrative structure to a universe that has little of either.

(To be clear: we’re only discussing death on a metaphorical/archetypal level here.)

Looking at my past birthday posts, there’s a constant refrain. I didn’t feel fully-formed. I knew something was missing. Something was immature, unfinished. I knew I wasn’t yet myself, not entirely. It was a caterpillar phase, I guess.

And now –

Now, I think this is the formless deep. And that word “formless” strikes me pretty hard– life certainly feels formless at the minute! This is the chrysalis, the underworld, the chaos and destruction at the end of a long cycle of stability.

But from all of that…from all of that, new life always springs. As uncomfortable as transition is, I really do think it’s bringing me closer to the person I really am. And I think the lessons from earlier in my twenties have laid a solid foundation for finding that KT. De profundis, right? “Out of the depths” has always been a personal motto of sorts.Now we see it in action!

I love this painting, but I’ve searched high and low and cannot find the artist’s name. If you know it, please send it my way so I can link properly!

I’m still hopeful about the year ahead. When I’m not fretting, I’m actually quite excited. We’re getting closer to…to whatever it is, this thing on the horizon. A new chapter is starting. We just have to get there.

-KT

What I’m Listening to this Week

Choir gives me many things…and I greatly appreciate the music it brings me. The right piece tends to find me at the right time. My voice does not fit spirituals easily, but it is some of the most comforting and viscerally emotional music I’ve heard.

 

Bookstore Magic

I ran into an old friend yesterday:

There’s been a street festival running all weekend. And it’s a true neighbourhood street festival: the kind where Italian grandmas pull passerby into their dancing and magicians pull quarters from kids’ ears. The secondhand bookstore had its one-dollar boxes out – and there, staring at me, was Old Bear.

I stopped dead. The plot eluded me (as it turns out, the toys rescue Old Bear from his attic seclusion), but the characters popped up, vivid as they were in childhood.

Old Bear. Little Bear. Bramwell Brown. Rabbit. Duck.

I hesitated for the briefest moment – and then I bought it. You see, I have a belief about secondhand bookstores. They help the right books find you at the right time. You can’t always force it. And when they’re sending you a message, it’s best not to ignore it.

So now I’m reunited with a book I haven’t seen in at least twenty years. Partly, I just wanted it in my life again. And partly, I’m storing it for some future child – maybe my own, maybe a niece or nephew, maybe a friend’s child. “Look,” the instinct runs. “Look, this book held magic for me – maybe it will for you, too.”

Some magic is a private thing. Some magic yearns to be shared. Childhood books definitely belong in the latter camp, at least for me.

I got another book as well. This one wasn’t in the festival bins. It was inside, along the wall of fantastika. My heart leaped to see it. (This bookstore generally has a thorough collection of Andrée Norton, Robert Silverberg, A.E. van Vogt, and others of that vintage, but slightly less fantasy.)

Nineteenth century British fantasy:

Same message, same instinct. The right book at the right time, the perfect counterweight to my ongoing Southern Ontario Gothic ponderings.

Except it wasn’t a loonie. It was $25. Which – there’s a few upcoming books I want sooner than the library can get them. Trail of Lightning, European Travel for the Monstrous Gentlewoman, A Cathedral of Myth and Bone

So I put it back on the shelf, looked at the Tolkien editions beside it, and then circled around again. But it’s best not to ignore a bookstore’s message. At last, I took a deep breath and approached the counter.

“Great stuff in here,” the bookseller said.

“Yeah, for sure. It’s got Goblin Market.

“It’s twenty-five dollars…” He hesitated. “Actually, today, it’s eighteen.”

Some magic yearns to be shared. Stepping back into the sunlight and the festival, I felt lighter. Sometimes, it is important to remember that such magic exists. And our instinct to spread it gives hope indeed.

KT

What I’m Listening To This Week

Still digging the Holst and Vaughan Williams. This week it’s been “I Love My Love,” which has a very catchy melody and chilling lyrics. It’s one of those folk songs that’s a story set to music. The treble echoes around 1:30 and 3:30 are particularly haunting.

About the lack of posts…

I’m sorry. I was consistent for a really long time. 

So here’s the thing. I’m really busy. I’m really stressed. I’m sorting through some not-very-fun life things.

Thus, I do not have two spare brain cells to rub together. Don’t worry, I’m Doing Okay. Like I said, just busy. Just tired. And in the grand scheme of things, I love this blog, but there are very few immediate consequences to not doing it. Right now, my energy needs to go elsewhere. 

And that’s Okay. 

Slowly, surely, I’m convincing myself that it’s okay to not do everything. Every bird needs to roost eventually.

I’m also trying very hard to appreciate the little joys right now. Like this chair I bought. Look at this chair!

I saw this chair at my church’s rummage sale and fell head-over-heels in love. It’s a little thing with slim lines, probably late nineteenth or early twentieth century.
And it has a Green Man!!!

Look! Look look look! It’s a Green Man (disgorging type), right there! Also called “foliate heads,” these guys show up in a lot of Medieval English cathedrals. They’re probably a pre-Christian fertility symbol and I absolutely love them.

“How much is that chair?” I asked breathlessly.

“A toonie?”

I rummaged through my pockets. “I have a dollar and fifteen cents.”

“Done.”

After considerable logistical planning, it’s now in my kitchen and it brings me joy every time I sit on it, or catch sight of the motif. And that, honestly, helps immensely. When a lot is crashing down, the smallest joys make the biggest difference.

And I think I once again wrote a blog post by accident. There is probably a lesson there, too. 😉

Anon, 

KT

What I’m Listening To This Week

A long time ago, I learned the Irish variant of “Loch Lomond,” which is titled “Red is the Rose.” The Scottish version has very similar lyrics of grief and loss. I particularly like this arrangement, though: it’s got the grief and loss, but the “dai dat” harmony running throughout suggests a marching-on and hopefulness.

Which I kinda need right now.

No Post This Week!

Sorry pals, everything is ridiculous right now. Sturm und drang! Sound and fury! Madness and chaos!

Okay, that’s perhaps a little dramatic. But over the next three days, I am…

Finishing a major writing project!

I’m aiming to complete the first draft of my interactive fiction novel for Choice of Games either today or tomorrow. It’s running about 115k in total. You can become a knight…riding a dinosaur!

One of many reference diagrams. There are a LOT of dinosaurs. (Image by PaleoGuy on DeviantArt)

Good fun, but I shall be relieved to have it off my plate for now, because…

 

A CANTICLE OF LIGHT opens on May 30th!

Dress rehearsal tonight, opening the day after tomorrow! The cast and crew have worked extremely hard, and I’m so incredibly proud of them. I can’t wait to see this Canadian Gothic piece live onstage!

Still need your tickets? Buy them here!

 

“Six Stories: Road to the Fringe” drops on May 30th!

Because we’re really good at planning! Just kidding, just kidding, I pulled out my calendar and worked out a whole release schedule for the SIX STORIES companion podcast. Turns out this was the best day. It’s almost poetic, the way these two plays have stayed in lockstep…

Anyway, interviews, behind-the-scenes chatter, and more faerie tale goodness coming your way soon. It’s dropping right into the preexisting “Six Stories, Told at Night” feed. Subscribe here (if you haven’t already)!

 

Wait. Was this a post?

Maybe?

Possibly?

Ah, let’s say it was. To dinosaurs!

KT

What I’m Listening To This Week

When you need something high energy and emotional, and also a reminder that it’ll be okay in the end…